Allah berfirman mafhumnya: “ Sesungguhnya Allah tidak akan mengubah keadaan sesuatu kaum sehingga mereka mengubah keadaan yang ada pada diri mereka sendiri.” (Surah al-Ra’ad 13:11)

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The Key To Happiness

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| Posted on 3:20 PM | Posted in


Some of us are a lot more optimistic than others. There is no sugar-coating the fact that some people have happy genes and others do not. Geneticists estimate that genes are responsible for about 50 percent of the differences in how happy people say they are.

Genes make happiness fairly stable across the lifespan. A happy child often grows into a happy adult.
Still, happy genes have their limits. People can be, and are, crushed by traumatic experiences such as serving on the front lines in a war, or being the victim of violent crimes. Post-traumatic stress has many of the features of clinical depression, including intrusive unpleasant thoughts, agitation, and loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed.


Everyone experiences some trauma in their lives, of course, but it does not rise to the severity of being involved in battle, or getting violently raped, to cite two common causes of post-traumatic stress.
Apart from such extreme events, what happens in our lives can be surprisingly unimportant to how happy we are. People often wish aloud that they could win the lottery and quit their jobs. Would that make them happy? Not surprisingly, lottery winners experience a bump up in their level of happiness. Yet it is temporary and evaporates during the first year or two. Over time, we also recover from bad news like the loss of a job.

The notion that we tend to bounce up from setbacks and down from exceptionally good news is called the set point theory of happiness. The idea is that we remain about the same level of happiness regardless of what happens to us in much the same way that a room stays at the same temperature thanks to the thermostat setting.

Is there something that can happen to us that makes us generally happier over a long period of our lives? Here is where evolutionary psychology comes in.

If humans are designed by natural selection to mate and raise children, then partnered people with children would be happier than childless singles. That is exactly what researchers find.

People living with partners are happier than singles. It is hard to know what direction the causal arrow runs in here. Do romantic partnerships make people happier, or are happy people just more likely to attract a partner?

There is less ambiguity about the happiness-producing effect of having children. Happy people are probably not more fertile than miserable ones. Moreover, having children makes people happier only when the children are fairly young. Parents in their fifties and sixties are not happier than non parents, probably because the kids have already moved out and are no longer such a focus of attention.

So genes, romantic partnerships, and family are the main keys to happiness. Genes are the hand we are dealt and are of limited interest when it comes to increasing happiness. So why are marriage and family so important? It seems that they keep us socially involved and lend a sense of purpose to our lives.
Yet many people lead happy lives without being married or having children. Most are deeply involved in their jobs, careers, creative endeavors, or hobbies. Feeling engaged and productive is the real key to happiness. We feel good when we are contributing to others.

Giving really is more pleasurable than receiving. Let's hope that folk give generously this crucial holiday season not only strengthening the national economy but boosting national happiness.

Five Great Presents Parents Will Appreciate from Their Kids

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| Posted on 3:16 PM | Posted in


I know how difficult it can be for children to get their parents a holiday gift. Too often, it seems children learn the art of me-thinking by simply going to the mall (sometimes with their parents' money!) and buying some household item or useless trinket that just gathers dust or takes up space in the closet after the holidays. It's as if the expectation we have for our children is that they "Buy something" rather than using the holidays as a time to teach children, young and old, how to show genuine caring for another person.

This year, I suggest nurturing we-thinking by inviting kids to put a little of themselves into every gift. Here's five suggestions, grouped by themes.

1) All that TECHNOLOGY the kids have is good for something besides playing games! How about asking the kids to load an iPod with a mix that mom or dad might like? How about downloading a classic film that the parents loved when they were kids at Christmas? What about making a short documentary on family life, or creating a family webpage? If this stuff sounds complicated for us adults, they're a breeze for most ten-year-olds.


2) REDEEMABLE COUPONS for favours that are good all year long are sure to please any parent. Five free dog walks. Two cat grooms. One spaghetti dinner (with meatballs if the child can manage it). Breakfast in bed. A drive-free Sunday. A weekend of camping (no arguing in the car, promise!). There are endless possibilities.

3) How about FOOD? The best gift I ever received from my son was a tin of homemade chocolate biscotti. I'm a cookie fiend and he knew exactly what I would love. Sure he could have bought me some, but I am sure I wouldn't remember them the same way I remember those aromatic wonders he cooked himself. So what if the fire alarm went off when the first batch were in the oven! There is endless possibilities when our kids take over the kitchen, or try their hand at sewing, or do what they can with the tools in the workshop. Ask them to buy the raw ingredients if you want to help impress upon them the importance of really putting themselves (and their own money) into the gift.

4) TIME TOGETHER. The best gift my daughter ever gave my wife, I think, was a promise to go for a hike with her and I on the majestic rocky shores of Nova Scotia. Not bad for an 11-year-old. I'm amazed how many parents value a night of board games. A drive in the country. A willingness to go out to dinner together (if the kids can afford to pay for mom or dad's dinner, then it seems only fair mom and dad pick up the rest of the tab). Time can also be spent attending an event a parent loves, like a piece of theatre, a dog show, motorcycle racing, or even an opera. It doesn't matter whether the child will enjoy the event or not. The point is the thought that goes into thinking about which event to organize for the parent. Just be sure the child attends too!

5) Make a DONATION to something that's meaningful to the parent. Ask your kids to really think about some cause that is important to mom or dad. If their paternal grandfather recently died of prostate cancer, then maybe the local chapter of the Cancer Society might appreciate a donation targeted towards research. If mom is passionate about saving stray cats, would a day helping out at the SPCA be something mom would appreciate doing, especially if the entire family came along too?
This is just my short list. I would love to hear your best suggestions...

It's A Wonderful Life

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| Posted on 3:11 PM | Posted in



As the holiday season is upon us, now is a good time to consider cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for depression. Ironically, the all-time Christmas classic "It's a Wonderful Life," directed by Frank Capra and starring Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed, presents the fundamental elements in CBT.

CBT is the new buzzword for psychotherapy - as Freudian psychoanalysis once was. Every therapist now claims to use it (if they aren't psychiatrists who rely strictly on drug therapy).  But most are just paying lip service to the treatment.

Before turning to Capra's genius, let me first answer the question: "Haven't antidepressants (ADs) revolutionized, solved really, the problem of depression?"


No, they haven't. Here are three points to ponder. (1) As all medical providers will tell you, symptoms of depression persist for the large majority of AD recipients. (2) Clinical trials involving psychoactive placebos find negligible added benefits for ADs versus those produced by the placebos. (3) Head-to-head comparisons of CBT and AD yield equivalent initial results, but far less relapse from CBT.


The lower relapse rate for CBT occurs because it teaches people specific techniques to employ in their lives which they retain, while withdrawal from ADs is often traumatic.

What makes CBT so deceptive is that it is a prescription for common sense. CBT tells people to schedule - and force themselves to remain involved in - work, play, social activities. It also teaches them to practice simple cognitive prophylactia - as demonstrated in "It's a Wonderful Life."

When people commit suicide, we often mourn that they had so many positives in their lives which they ignored in favor of some recent bad events. These traumas, or fears more often, dominate depressed people's thinking and become intolerably dire in their minds. Of course, if they waited for events to cycle through, they would find their problems are often less severe than they originally feared, and that they can be readily solved.

Meanwhile, if people weather the storm, they refocus on their positives: family, simple pleasures, past accomplishments, friends they may have forgotten, and so on.

Clarence the angel performs this refocusing task for George Bailey (Jimmy Stewart) in "It's a Wonderful Life."  George is on the verge of suicide both because he feels he's wasted his life, and because he's faced with a business crisis.  Clarence helps George to retrieve images of all of the positive deeds George has performed over his lifetime.  Recalling these images causes George to see how many people in his community he has helped and how much good will he can call on.

After this vision, George returns home with a new appreciation for the small things around him - even the disappointments and stressors - as well as for his loved ones.  This is the kind of awakening people often report after they nearly die.  If only we could help depressed people crystalize such realizations without having them face death, then we'd have a therapy!

And we do.  CBT helps people to learn these cognitive lessons so that they can create for themselves the same magic that Clarence performed for George. And Clarence's demonstration of CBT is why "It's a Wonderful Life" has stayed with us for what seems like, well, an eternity.
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